17 Mar Reasons for a divorce: problems in relationships or personal crisis?
For many people, divorce is a very painful experience. But is it always associated only with problems in relationships? To what extent is it influenced by the internal conflicts of a person and family scenarios? And how psychotherapy can help survive this stage of life, better know yourself and the partner, build with him warmer and understanding relationships? History on the example of a real case.
Sergei entered a confident gait of a successful person, got into a chair and immediately got down to business. “I am to you on family matters. It seems to be a crisis with my wife, and I’m confused. In general, I need to decide whether to get divorced or not “. And looked at me inquiringly. After a pause, he continued: “Let me first tell you my story”.
Ordinary history
Sergey was 35. Marriage problems began with the birth of a daughter. It so coincided that at that time he opened his business, there was a lot of work and had to linger. He got home closer to the night. The wife complained that it was difficult for her to cope with her house and children alone, constantly made him comments, did not meet him when he was returning. Sergey began to feel a stranger. Cold appeared in a relationship. And not so long ago, another woman appeared in his life.
This is a very common scenario. Когда пара сталкивается с неизбежными трудностями и обоюдными недовольствами, которые высказываются в обвинительной форме, партнеры начинают отдаляться друг от друга. And in the liberated space, someone third often arises.
At some point, the wife suggested Sergey to live his life. Since it is not possible to communicate, she said. For him it was a shock. He did not ask what led her to such thoughts, but said that this option did not suit him.
Sergey began to suspect his wife of treason. He watched her, and it seemed to him that she constantly copied with someone enthusiastically. Jealousy filled his soul, but he did not show the appearance and did not ask questions.
Why? At first, it was difficult for Sergei to formulate this, but gradually he realized his fear that the truth would be revealed and his wife would leave him. At the same time, this fear and anger for the alleged “treason” of his wife were suppressed by him. He seemed to continue to live an ordinary life, but this and other unexplained situations pressed him from the inside, and negatively affected the relationship.
Specketing instead of truth
The less they talked about what bothers them, the more their representations began to replace reality. In fact, it was a fictional world in which the wife is cheating, but she does not
need him. He was angry with the “Men’s wife”, moved away from her and life was lined up on the basis of this non-confirmed fantasy.
This entailed new delays at work, there are much more of them, and alienation, and then rapprochement with a colleague. Thus, Sergei actually showed his aggression not directly, but in a passive form. Expressed it through actions.
The deterioration of relations also affected an intimate life: they have been doing little sex recently. “The wife thinks that she became uninteresting to me as a woman, but I just had all the desire disappeared, as he suspected her of treason.”.
In addition, they slept in different rooms for a long time. “When my daughter was born, I went to sleep in another room, I was early to get up to work. Since then everything has remained so “. At first glance, it looks like a natural solution to the issue when a baby appears in the house, and a man needs to get enough sleep before work. However, the alienation of the couple often begins from this, when difficulties are not overcome together, but separately.
Rationalization
At the second session, Sergei took out a notebook and said: “You don’t think, I was preparing for our meeting. I made up the pros and cons of my wife “. And began to read them to me. Of the pluses, he highlighted her beauty, sexuality and economic. Its irritability, constant nit -dodgy and claims, coldness and different worldviews fell into negative features.
Such an attempt to weigh all the qualities of a partner, bring a balance and, on this basis, decide on preserving or divorcing a marriage showed how much he does not trust his feelings. This rationalization is one of the forms of psychological defense, when a person, avoiding feeling, begins to think intensely and explain everything. However, then the deep connection with itself is lost.
Family script
Relatively possible divorce, Sergei outlined only one feeling – liberation. “Of the minuses of the divorce – only separation from the child,” he suddenly said. – Well, nothing, my parents also divorced when I was 8 years old, and I coped with it. “. A little later it turned out that his marriage was also 8 years old.
Sergei has not yet been very aware of all his mixed feelings about the potential parting – guilt, anger, sadness – and as if preparing to repeat the parental script. This always happens when a person is not in contact with his inner world and does not see his contribution to the current family situation. Then he unconsciously realizes parental or his own, repeated programs.
Get to know again
Work in therapy was not easy for Sergey. After a long -term habit of suppressing his emotions and “living in his head” began to come to life of his ability to feel, and this sometimes caused pain. Its children’s experiences associated with the divorce of parents, and conflicting feelings in relation to his wife were raised in it. Gradually, he began to see and recognize his contribution to family disagreements.
His deep fears were also opened: to age, to die, to be rejected and insolvent. “I came to you in an attempt to understand what is happening with a marriage. But, it seems, the main thing is what is happening to me. I thought, I understand what I want and where I was going, but it was an illusion. I had no time to understand. Work, friends, marriage, childbirth. Another job. Another woman. It is bitter to admit that I really don’t know myself. And I’m glad that at least in my 35 years I can meet myself “.
“Met” Sergey and with his wife. He tried to listen and hear her more. Understand her feelings and needs. Reduce their excessive expectations. They began to talk more. Sometimes it was very intense and emotionally. Sometimes it brought relief.
“Happy end”
And yet they divorced. “If I started to understand myself before, then perhaps we could keep our marriage. And now we have already seemed too far to run out of our lives. It hurts that our family has broken up. However, humanly, we have become only closer, it seems that we have never been before. And it is incredibly valuable “.
About the expert
Anna Sokolova – Psychologist, psychotherapist, associate professor of the Higher School. The author and leading online training “Self-knowledge and control of emotions”. Her site .